Do yourself a favor and take 3 minutes and look this up. The request is a bit of homework that is congruent with the topic of this post. "In your patience possess ye your souls." Or said another way "And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life." (Doctrine and Covenants Section 101 verse 38).
Growing up and then moving on to college, I often heard that a character trait of the middle class was the principle of "delayed gratification," meaning the middle class would put off impulse spending to save for something "better" or longer lasting. A color TV would not be purchased in order to save for college. A fun trip to an amusement park would not take place in order to make the bill payments. In my family the mortgage was small ($89.00/month) and paid on time. Bills likewise were paid on time. I was raised in a frugal existence but everyone around me was too, so I really didn't know we were different.
I grew up believing I was middle class. Back then the class you were supposedly assigned to was as much a matter of what you did for a living as how much you earned. Today it all seems to be about the "Benjamin's"--cash is king. I arrived at this conclusion because my Dad was a head chef (management) my Mom was a teacher (union), but a professional. Since my parents were divorced, when it came to income we didn't fare too well. We got by, but I never really understood how poor we were until my world expanded a bit in high school and I was exposed to those who had a lot. So, not understanding that I was poor was not a liability to me. I didn't understand that I had been dealt an economic blow in life, so I missed the opportunity to play the victim card.
Politically my Dad was a staunch Democrat. The party of the underdog. In the 1968 election, his choice for President was either Richard Nixon (Republican) or George McGovern (Democrat). McGovern, though a WWII veteran like my Dad, was extremely liberal for the times--way too socially liberal for my Dad. Later I asked my Dad who he voted for in that election; his response--"no one". He couldn't bring himself to vote for a Republican.
My Mom was a life long Republican. I never knew why. But by the fact that I mostly grew up around her, I was greatly shaped by her political views. Could I have voted in 1968 I would have voted for Nixon. (Later on as my understanding of who the parties were supposed to represent, I was always bemused at the irony of my management father supporting the party of unions and my union Mother--though you did not say that to her--supported the party of management. Though in fairness, I have to declare I am not affiliated with either party and both major parties can really tick me off.
And that brings us back to the topic of the day: patience. "In the 1960's, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows.
"He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait.
"It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, 'there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.' But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships." (Deter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign May 2010).
I have lived over 51 years, barely not a pup anymore by some standards and ancient and wrinkly by others, but in that half century--now that sounds old--I have learned a few things. I have learned that patience is a virtue and that good things come to those who wait. Let me explain. The concept seems almost counterintuitive in our uber-competitive society where fast action and grabbing the bull by the horns is lauded, and those with lightening-fast reflexes in business are rewarded handsomely. I'm not talking about earning money, I'm talking about important things like relationships and mastering yourself and learning things.
In my first half century I have seen all too often how not being patient enough to listen precludes understanding and leads to misunderstanding and frequently contention. How many times have you seen someone trying to explain themselves and the person they are explaining it to interrupts them moving the conversation off topic onto the topic the interrupter wanted to talk about. When this happens, have you ever noticed the body language of the one interrupted? Typically, they draw back and disengage. A moment of understanding is lost; a wedge is driven, however imperceptibly between two people. Please note that the patience I am speaking of here is in listening, not waiting to speak, that is just polite interruption.
What good things come from listening? understanding, for one; bridge building for another. Listening requires you to be in the moment, engaged, with the person in front of you. Friendship, love and understanding are the rewards of patient listening. When you realize what you gain from listening, you realize you have really given nothing in comparison to what you have gained. In our high tech world with the ability to engage by text or email people around the planet we often miss the opportunity to engage the person next to us.
Another form of patience is learning when to hold your tongue. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak. Wisdom comes when you learn which is which. As all are aware, wisdom is born of experience; experience comes from mistakes. Wisdom has scars. What have I learned from holding my tongue? I have learned that people will open up to you when they feel safe in your presence. Meaning, they can tell you even things they have done wrong and they won't be verbally stomped on. Now I have learned this but I am by no means a master of it. I also bear scars from when I should have held my tongue but did not. Its funny but in my life the things I really regret are those moments when I could have taken the high road but I did not. The typical "sins"--10 commandments-type stuff I don't really feel bad about once I have corrected the situation, but I still grimace at being far less than I should have been.
Perhaps the hardest form of patience is to be patient with yourself. Alas, in 51 years I have not yet come close to mastering that. I am doing better, some days, but not always. I realize we all have our challenges that vex us. My challenges are not yours, nor are yours mine. Because of that, it is easy to judge each other--sometimes harshly. When your challenges are my strengths, it is easy to be critical and even harsh. But we all have challenges that are the strengths of another.
All through school I could not understand Algebra. I wanted to be an electrical engineer, but the math got in the way. In Jr. high I was stymied by the pre-Algebra stuff. In High School it was no easier. In college, I tried got a rotten grade then had to try again. I was panicked--"what if I can't learn this?" I asked myself,
"I will never graduate," I answered. I kept trying. Finally I got it. Algebra is a game. It has rules. As long as I played by the rules I got it right. Goal! I passed. What a wonderful feeling of accomplishment. I had done it--delayed gratification--hard work--nose to the grindstone--try, try again it worked. So much of life is like that and when we finally get something that has stumped us it is so rewarding. Far more, I think than if we get it right off the bat.
So far in my 50 plus years I have learned a lot but mastered little. Perhaps in my next 30 plus years I will be able to conquer this character thing just like Algebra. Until then I will keep utilizing those middle class values I was raised with and practice patience because I'm beginning to see that in doing so I am starting to "possess my soul".
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